About two weeks ago, as I was sitting in my cubicle at HSBC, I had a strangely epiphanic moment.
It sounds cliche when I put it this way, but basically, I realized (very sadly) that I'm not a kid anymore.
Or rather, I can't be a kid anymore.
Obviously, it wasn't the first time I'd toyed with the ideas of growing up and not-growing up. Those same questions and thoughts pop back into mind every now and then, and Vicky and I have had so many talks about how sometimes - despite being "of age" - we make semi-conscious choices to hide behind the excuses of "I'm just a kid", "I don't know, I'm too young", or "I can't, I don't have the experience".
When we were kids, everyone wanted to be "grown up". It's as if those two magic words granted you all the power, freedom, and (thus, I guess) happiness in the world. Yet, the closer I got to actually being "Grown Up", the more I realized that: a) I didn't know if I was ready for all the responsibilities that came with adulthood, and b) I wasn't even really sure where that final destination of Grown Up actually was. I mean, where does 'growing up' end? And when do you say with confidence, "I have grown into a matured woman"?
So as I "grew up" a little, I stopped looking forward to growing up the way I did before (oh, irony!). And, as anyone who has been in touch with me in the past 2 months would know, by the time my 19th birthday came around, I was already feeling old and reluctant to to give up my 'childhood' and 'youth'.
Being a kid means you get to rely on your parents, your elders, the adults around you who can not only guide you and help you, but also protect you and do things for you. Being a kid means you have all that back-up.
But now?
I'm on my own.
That's what I realized: I'm alone now.
Not to say that I don't have an incredibly supportive family, awesome friends, and people who care. But when it comes down to it, I'm on my own now. My loved ones can't "be me" for me. My actions and decisions are the ones that will determine who I am to the world.
I might still see myself as a clueless child when I'm on the job, working with "grown ups", but people have already begun to see me as an adult. Being a 10-year-old might be a good excuse, but being "only 19" is not. Responsibilities and expectations rise; Gradually, people have stopped and will stop seeing me as only a chick under my parents' wings.
I will just be, me.
Everything I do from here on out actually matters. That's the scariest part of it all.
Successes and failures alike; from now on, they'll all be filed into that "Jessica Cheng" folder that I'm going to carry around for the rest of my life. The things that I do, choices that I make.. From now on I can't just talk about them as episodes from "when I was young...."
Everything I do is going to matter, to the person I'm becoming.
As a kid I did things because I had to; I did things well because I was expected or encouraged to. But from here on out, I have to change that mindset and learn to do things for myself. Life and all the experiences that come along the way, they're what I make out of them. Every time I give something less than 100% of what I've got, I'm giving up some of my own potential. Every time I let go of an opportunity because no one pushed me to fight for it, I deny a possibility. When I choose to be only mediocre, I deprive my own self of excellence.
I'm nineteen.
I can't deny officially being on that road to "old" and "grown up".
I can't pull off that "kid" excuse much longer.
I'm alone.
:)
My brother makes the best faces.
Me, my brother, my little cousin.
19 and 14!
Eugenia :)
Cherie :D (your 雙眼皮 pic!)
We're pretty much the same height now..... ew.
afternoon tea @ Tienmu Sogo
♥♥
Me and the 'rents.
:D love!
:)
fambam love! with a blurred mother due to zipai fail.
:D I love this picture.
I hate camera flashes.
Everyone from my mom's side that was still in Taiwan that night.... not many, actually. :]
